OK DADS, WE HAD TO LISTEN TO ALL
YOUR CORNY JOKES ON LONG TRIPS IN THE
CAR, NOW its payback Time :)

Fathers Wisdom 

A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man,
so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a
Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father
says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for
my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for
us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as
she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies,"
the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The
conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother
asks, "How did it go, Honey?", and the father answers, "He has no
job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

NEW FATHER 

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby,
the mother had to go out to do some errands.  So the
proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of to do but the
baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried
he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the
doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get
the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine
the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is
indeed full.  "Here's the problem", the Dr. says. "He needs
a change." The father is very perplexed, " But the diaper
package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.

**** Net knows all about this ONE hes Guilty as charged! ***

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny
early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty
miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone
else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter
was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,"Why did you let him
do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's
hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen
feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't
respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears
you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands
fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No reponse.  He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no
response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly
behind her and says, "honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "for the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Ballonist 

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced height and spotted a man down below. He
descended a bit further and shouted, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied,
"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet
above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north
latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied
the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything  you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still
lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the
man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going.
You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

The Elderly Father     

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the
main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc
piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his
right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him.
About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Can Men EVER WIN ????
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive @#$%.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

If not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

AND Who says being a MAN is EASY!

 

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